Dining

Where’s the Beef?: Underwhelming Burgers in NYC  E-mail
Written by Patrick Pawlowski   
Monday, 23 August 2010 03:42
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Where have those deliciously big juicy burgers gone?

There is many a venerable resource for satisfying the typical New Yorker’s more carnivorous compulsions. Zagat, for instance, is regarded highest in authority, for anything, ever. I’m an eater of burgers. Of hotdogs. Of steak from any spot on the cow. If it’s the least bit beefy, or perhaps an especially hearty mushroom, heaven and propriety be damned if my teeth aren’t sunk right then and there. So I set off with a plan to sample some of the best rated and most beloved burgers in NYC, with the Zagat review as my tome. 

 And then it turned out that Zagat has a paywall on their site, meaning you can’t view it unless you subscribe for some amount of hard-earned scratch each month, which obviously barred me from depending on it, lest I should venture to a bookstore and obtain my desired burger list through quiet aisle sitting and perusal, which didn’t happen. However, Zagat did allow public viewers to see its burger poll, which listed the top burgers in NYC as voted by over 32,000 burger enthusiasts who either reside or in their travels and travails happened through this glorious city. On this list are the familiar few, like the Corner Bistro burger, the Peter Luger, the Blue Smoke, the Jackson Hole. I sampled some of them, and they my wallet (the average burger on the list costs $13, or about the price of a fresh Maine lobster in a Maine restaurant). In fact, my sampling sort of ended when I ran out of money (about $37 and change).

As it turns out, I either have no taste buds (which I doubt, at least a little) or each of the above burgers was hyped to the moon’s cheesy center. However, my conception of the perfect burger became refined. Also, it should be noted that while I did have fries with one order (only at the Corner Bistro), the presence or quality of fries does not influence my grade of the burger.

What does affect the grade, however, is the only aspect of customer service necessary to optimum burger enjoyment: accuracy of specified meat rarity or doneness.

  1. The Corner Bistro – It’s widely lauded cheeseburger, a heavy sucker of maybe 6 or 8 ounces, I don’t recall, came tall with the works (lettuce, tomato, pickle) but fell far short of my expectations. Close friends who swore by it are no longer my friends on Facebook. That is the price you pay for an impressively large burger, a bovinal edifice of jaw-hurt, that is cooked half a grade below medium-rare when medium-well is specified and its fixin’s are bland, from over-warm and blanched looking tomato slices and lettuce leaves, to large juliennes of onion that pall the palette. Final verdict: C+

  2. The Luger – This thing’s meat center is as thick as a newborn’s wrist. In total, it is about as big the head of a newborn, including the thick-cut brioche bun. I do not know why the analogy of choice is a newborn baby; maybe it is the grandiose Luger name, which is inherently demeaning to a middling burger reviewer, and so infantilizes me. Luger deigns to serve the likes of me, he who takes his burgers medium-well and with ketchup. Either way, it was a decent burger. The beef tasted delicious, with its Luger aging magic and various cuts and parts of cow in it, but not as delicious as the most average bison burger, so minus points. Because premium burgerhouses tend to portion and mold their burgers themselves, I don’t factor in the type of beef in my burger grade. All that matters is the final taste. At least they cooked it to specification, unlike The Bistro, though this is expected from steak experts. B+!

  3. The Blue Smoke – Bland burger and unimpressive size; this is the office peon of premium burgers. It is just there, with no angelic orchestra warbling in the background and no light beams bouncing off the cheese, which should sparkle like yellow diamonds but does not. It loses further points for costing almost four more dollars than the much better and venerated Peter Luger. I subtract points for hubris. Verdict: C.

 After the Blue Smoke, and the general tepidness of the selection, I quit there, consigning myself to the vendor burger.

What is the vendor burger? It is my favorite burger. It is more consistent than McDonald’s, even when the vendor does not get the order right. It’s always good, with its greasy and thin patty, grilled over charred bits of felled cheese, burnt ketchup and mayo stains from when the squeeze bottles clogged and shot onto the grill from too much pressure; its super soggy sesame bun rife with ketchup, light lemon juice and extra mayo (as I like it); and its surprisingly fresh chopped Subway-sandwich style lettuce leaf and tomato slices. That is how good a good vendor burger is; long-sentence worthy, and that ain’t no hyperbole.

For a good vendor burger, I recommend either the row standing just off the Red Cube at Wall Street or the row outside Hunter College. You will not be disappointed. Mainly because it only cost you $5.00, including a can of soda. Enjoy!

Check out Patrick’s blog at http://www.thepaperdrumhead.blogspot.com/

Photo: http://eljefeburger.com/images/flame_grilled_goodness_.jpg

 

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